A is for April Filled with Anxiety but no Antidepressants

April 1, 2020 , In: Expat Mommy , With: No Comments

Welcome to April! This is not a drill or a joke. Somebody sent me this idea of the April 2020 A to Z Blog Challenge. Now I receive many ideas these days, of what to do and how to do it, but I don’t listen. I just read them and think, “What a great idea,” yet I never get around to doing it.

Homeschooling ideas? Fuck them. Keeping my child happy and alive is more my jam. Staying-mindful-in-these-times kind of ideas? I don’t have time for that kind of shit; I am trying hard not to fall into an anxiety attack or a full-blown depression. Mindfulness is something for people who have their shit sorted a luxury. Clearly I don’t, and my bars for mental health are pretty low.

Write a blog each day from A to Z? What a great idea, like I don’t have enough on my plate. I don’t know why this idea stuck in my head. It seems so stupid, yet I think it might be fun.

A is for April Filled with Anxiety but no Antidepressants

We have made into April 2020 and the world is a bit mixed up, that’s putting it lightly. In April of last year, we moved to England from China and our worlds were turned upside down. Now the whole world is turned upside down. In the last few months I lived in China, my body was riddled with anxiety and I was pumped full with medication trying to calm the situation down. Now I can tell you that medication settles your nerves but does not solve anything as we are never getting to the bottom of the actual problem.

I have been on Zoloft, an antidepressant, since my daughter was born sevenyears ago. It worked for me sometimes, and for the times it did not, the doctors upped the dose. When I got back to the UK last year, things got out of hand and more medication and antidepressants were thrown into my body. Things spiraled completely out of control. My daughter was sent away over the summer to her grandparents and I tried to take my own life, pretty out of control real fast. More medication, different medication, why not? Anything to make the pain go away.

My husband started talking to people who had a more natural approach to mental health and my father found me a coach to begin working through issues. There was really no other way or solution; I had tried everything and I had tasted it all—those different drugs and all those pills.

Here is the thing I’ve learned from taking all these medications:they helped me to even out and they masked my problems. I would have taken them happily for the rest of my life. However, in order to resolve some of my issues, I had to get to the core of things. I had to dig deep and find things I did not want to find. In order to do this, I was advised that getting off my medication would be the best way. I tapered off all the medication I was taking and after almost seven years of taking antidepressants, I was free of them.

Through coaching and specialized therapies, I was able to come to some sort of conclusion about where my problems have stemmed from. I made some sort of closure with myself. I’ll find another letter in this A to Z Blog Challenge to explain more about these approaches that have helped me.
Am I cured? No. Is my depression gone? No. Did I get rid of all the anxiety? Also, unfortunately, no. But I am in a very different place now than I was a year ago. I don’t think about killing myself on a daily basis and my heart is a bit more still. The year 2020 is a work in progress all over the world and also in my own heart.

April is for Anxiety without antidepressants.

Disclaimer: I am and always will be a firm believer of taking medication when you need it and for many people, the mixture of medication and therapy is a good way to get peace in your mind. I do not recommend coming off medication from one day to another. Mental health medication needs to be slowly tapered off under medical guidance.

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